Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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