what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
