Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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