I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize