Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize