I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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