I wish i was in the wii world.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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