my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
