Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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