i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
