Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
