can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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