I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
