we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
