I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
