i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
