Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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