need another drink. this is the easiest way
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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