when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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