Jerry, you need to find god
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
