I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
