I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
