The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize