She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
