i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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