it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
