I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
