Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
