he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
