wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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