dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize