I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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