After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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