im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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