I'm gonna have a badass scar
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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