Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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