i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
