your thong is hanging out like whoa
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
