Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
