I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
