I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
