Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I wish you could order shots online.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
