The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Oh god it's open bar.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
