Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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