People in love make me want to vomit
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
