Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
