I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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