i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
