I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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