I feel like I'm in dance class right now
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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