I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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