I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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