he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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