I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
