I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
