What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
