Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize