isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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