You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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